BOM Ten Commandments for Christian Dating

dating1.      Thou shall not think that you can change the other person

This is a BIG NO NO. First, I will start by saying that no one can change the heart of a person outside of Christ. So if you start dating an individual that have “flaws” and “malfunctions” that you are not particularly interested in, then do not date them… I REPEAT… Do not date them. I say this so boldly because soooooooooo many people over look things in the beginning of a relationship thinking… “O I can change that” or “I can get use to that”… just to say they are in a relationship. However, the next thing you know… you are walking down the aisle with Steve Urkel or Scary Krueger and you don’t know how the hack you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person. Now I am not saying that the individual need to be perfect… But ladies, if he is controlling in the courtship; your pancakes and fried chicken will not keep you away from his control and abuse during marriage…RUN! And men, if she is hacking your facebook and checking your emails… this is not cute behavior… RUN!

2.      Thou shall not give up the goodies

I should not need to explain the reason why this is a huge NO NO for two people professing to love Christ. However for the individuals this slipped by, let me just say that having sex before saying “I Do” will destroy your life (okay maybe not your life, but you get the point)!!! First, if you are a believer you are told to flee sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians 6:18. So if you slip up and do any sexual acts before marriage, you both will feel HORRIABLE for disobeying your heavenly father (don’t believe me… try it). Also sexual immorality may jeopardize your relationship with that person. Now the man is looking at the women like she is truly the “fall of man”, and he may also lose a little respect for her; and now the woman is looking at the man like he is her adversary who comes to kill, steal, and destroy her. It is not a good feeling

3.      Thou shall not act like it’s a ring on it

(I say this as I shake my head and place it in my right hand) Acting like you are married before you get married, will never lead to marriage! I see this so many times with Christian couples, and I don’t blame you. I did this at one point in my courtship with David. It is so easy to fall prey to the thought of “this is how marriage will be”. Fellas start dreaming about her thighs (her cooked fried chicken people, smh) that he can have once they get married, and ladies start dreaming about all the sleep overs, late movie nights, and matching outfits. HOWEVER this can be destructive for two reasons. First, this can lead to sexual immorality and as mentioned earlier we know where that can lead. Second, it can lead to you dealing with marriage issues designed for marriage and not courtship. Now you two are fighting over bills, future In- Laws, bad cooking, and kids! Who does that outside of marriage lol.  Aint nobody got time for that. So one of you will be dipping aka leaving, because chances are you want to avoid that argument in marriage…Go figure!

4.      Thou shall love each other… like sister and brother

Ladies: Just check out my article at Bannerofmodesty.com If These are my Brothers
Fellas: Just check out my article at Bannerofmodesty.com If These are my Brothers and just read it like you were reading If These are my Sisters lol. No for real, Fellas please be careful when pursuing and courting a young woman. Do not lead her on, be gentle with her heart, and remember that until you say “I Do” she is still your sister in Christ, so treat her with respect and love.

5.      Thou shall not stay the night or move in

Smh… I want to say Duhhhhhhhh! However for the supper saved, I can’t be tempted Saints… this goes out to you, you, and you (in my Usher voice). She is still a WOman and he is still a MAN. You both still have parts, which once attached together can still make babies. Now I know I said to see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, but don’t fool yourself to thinking that you cannot be tempted. This is just not wise and you do not want to put yourself in any uncompromising situations that would cause you to part take in behavior that is not pleasing to Christ, nor do you want to portray anything that can cause another brother and sister to fall.

6.      Thou shall not force marriage on the other one

Hmmmmmm… how can I say this! Okay, just follow this one simple rule; If the other individual always change the subject, is unresponsive, or never looks you in the eye when you bring up marriage… chances are they don’t want to get married…to you! So stop bringing it up, talking about it, or mentioning other couples who just got married. Ladies, you constantly talking about marriage can cause two things, an immature wedding proposal with an empty wedding date or a ticket straight back to singlehood. Fellas, just be prayerful. Really prayerful. Also remember, God is not the author of confusion. He cannot say that this month Beth is your wife, and next month Kelly is your wife. It just does not work like that. Don’t blame God, it’s you!!!!

7.      Thou shall confess to 1 Corinthians 7:9, instead of saying “God told me to”

Marriage is a huge commitment. Never the less, I hear this and see this sooooo MUCH now days. “God told us to get married.” Blank face. Really! Or could it be you are ready to have sex and just burning with passion. Come on now, I can respect a couple saying, “we really are just ready to have sex so we are deciding to have a wedding in two days”…Rather than, “God told us to get married in two days because he just told us to do that”… Blank face. Now I do believe that God can show you that this is your spouse and I do believe a wedding can be done in two days. If that is his plan for your life, who am I to say otherwise. However call me old fashion, but I believe that some marriage counseling should be sought; and I do believe that some level of sexual self-control should be obtained before you say “I Do”.  If you cannot keep your hands off each other nor control your sexual thoughts around each other… then I have to ask what your motives are. If it is just to have sex, then baby by. Sex will not keep you happy in marriage…It gets real after you say “I Do”! Christ, Good Communication, and a True Friendship are the only things that can lead to a successful marriage.

8.      Thou shall fellowship with other believers

Me: “Why is your relationship a secret again?”
You: “Well we seeking God on a few things before we share our news”
Me: “Ooooooo you don’t want accountability in other words… I see”
You: Blank Face
Me: Next BOM dating commandment please!

9.      Thou shall not say I love you first…Ladies!

Now this is a personal decision. However, I was told by a wise woman (clear throat) Candice Jackson lol, that as a woman you should always be in the position where the man is pursuing you and you are not pursuing him. So saying I love you first may throw the entire game of cat and mouse off, making you seem like the aggressor. However, in more serious cases the man could lose interest because now the thing he was chasing has surrendered and what’s the point of continuing the chase. But to give you hope… after about four months of dating my husband, accompanied by a warm summer night hahaha I gave in and said I love you first. I felt so stupid… but I knew it was real. He was quiet for a while, but he said it back and we did get married lol. So the moral of the story is… Idk lol… Just follow your heart, but don’t be thirsty!

10.  Thou shall put no other God first

Just Meditate on this when you feel yourself consumed with your relationship:

Exodus 20:1-6
1 And God spoke all these words, saying, 2 “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. 3 “You shall have no other gods before me. 4 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5 You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

A test of “Real Love”

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Why are women so consumed with the idea of receiving “love” from a man when they deny the love of Christ on a daily bases?

How can you truly understand what it means to be loved by a “man” when you compare your idea of love to “human” standards?

Women feel that love is suppose to hurt..Why?

God does not love this way, he protects you, he leads you, he builds you up and not burden you or bring you down.

Why do women feel that they have to prove themselves to be loved?

God love is given freely… and the “only” thing you need to do, is receive his free gift of salvation. 

Some women feel that love is shown through abuse…Why?

God will never crush us with his power, even though he could.

The point I am making is that God is the true example of love (1 Corinthians 13). No man is perfect, no relationship is perfect, no marriage is perfect…However God is…so why not imitate his love. Also I tell you one thing…If your desire is to be married, pray for a man who follows Christ…and if you are married already…pray that God softens your heart towards your husband so that you can draw him to Christ. I pray that you are all blessed, and that you start receiving Gods love.

written by Tiheasha Beasley 

IS THIS LOVE… the story of every other woman

How many times have you been in a bad relationship that completely destroyed you?

Have you ever thought, “I will never allow another person to hurt me that way again”… However, six months later you have another sad song to sing to your friends or relatives about how bad you were treated, and how you will never go back to him.

Unfortunately, you are not alone!  This is a common issue for many women. The thing that saddens me the most is that some women allow themselves to be placed in the same bad-break up cycle, again and again, hoping for a different result.

In the past, this was my story! I was never strong enough to say no to a bad relationship.  I tirelessly committed my life to the wrong men before marriage. I would date men that would appear to be wonderful, charming, and attractive… and in the beginning things would be great. However, later they would begin to abuse me mentally and emotionally, by playing mind games and making me feel that no one else would want me. I would even find out that some of them were cheating on me, but even after I found out about their infidelities I would only be angry with them for a little while hoping that somehow this would prove I could love them unconditionally. HA! (I laugh at the thought today).  Nevertheless, I believed I loved them and did not want to lose them so I stayed in the relationship hoping things would get better.  Unfortunately, they never/ever did.

Looking back, I could pretend that I was not also at fault for this bad relationship… I mean because they really twisted my arms to be there right, lol I THINK NOT!  In fact, the last few relationships I was involved in before marriage, carried on for a pointless amount of time because of my idiosyncrasies, fears, and insecurities. It was me who was settling, it was me who didn’t want to be lonely, it was me who pretended he could give me the love I really needed… I was the one deeply committed to maintaining happiness in a bad relationship.

The reality is… most women spend more time thinking about how they can please their mate than they do improving themselves spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Why do we place men at the epitome of our universe? Sure, the sex may be great (fornication would not be tempting if it did not feel good) and yes from time to time he buys you material things… but at what price?

Maybe that new pair of black Prada shoes with the cute little red bow on the side cost him nine hundred dollars.  Does this token represent true love?  Or what about when he punches you in your cute little face that you spent hours in the bathroom putting make-up on to look good for him. Does this token represent love?

Ladies, stop falling for the false expectations. I know you hear these things all the time, but I would like to refresh your memory:

  1. If he was with her when he started dating you please do not get relax and get comfortable, because it is obvious he is not a stable man looking for a real commitment.  If you do, this probably means you were the desperate and vulnerable woman he has been searching for to take the bait.
  2. Next, Domestic Violence is a very serious crime and it is not love when he raises a hand to hit you… Domestic Violence is a vicious cycle and although he comes back and apologizes, it will happen again. Remember it is about power and control for a man who hits any woman. He will use this method as a mean to control your submission to him. For some woman they may not ever get the opportunity to walk away because he may eventually kill her. I know it can be difficult for several reasons, but reach out for help and seek safety for yourself and children.
  3. Furthermore, do not allow any man to dictate to you how you should be as a woman.  If you have to change anything physically to be with him, then do not be surprise when you never receive his approval.

As a collective unit, we deal with so much. Granted, some of the issues may be our own.  However, do not waste your time on men who obviously are not interested. I leave you with some things that helped me to move forward… passed bad relationships:

  •  Ask God to show you your true value as a woman.

Psalms 139: 13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

  • Do not sit around and day dream about getting married and having babies. God blessed you with a life of your own and you do not need a man to save you. In Gods time, if he sees fit he will send the right man to pursue you.

Romans 8:28  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

  • Do not feel that singleness is a curse. Do not envy women who are married or in thriving, successful relationships. Use this time to encourage others and serve the body of Christ.

Philippians 2:1-11  So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, …

  • Do not hold grudges against all men, because of failed relationships in the past. Forgiven and released them. Ask God for help in finding peace so you can release the excess baggage!

1 John 4:18  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

 

 

Lost, Lonely, and Desperate

Have you ever felt angry, upset, disappointed, or frustrated for no apparent reason?  You searched for people to talk to, but no one had the answers to your misunderstandings? You tried talking to your parents, close friends, lover, pastor, or maybe even a psychologist, but no one held the key which could un-lock the negative feelings.   I remember experiencing the negative feelings five or six years ago. Although I considered myself to be out-going, energetic, intelligent, beautiful, and an all-around good person, these attributes were never enough.   I still felt the emptiness.  Before I was able to identify the root problem, of course like any other person, I tried many things I thought would help fill the void. I was lost, lonely, and desperate.  I tried to identify with a variety of things and people to see where I best fit in.

At first, I tried to go out to clubs every weekend. I was craving attention, and I knew I could find some form of attention there.  I do not like the party atmosphere; but I tried it. I was under the impression that people who went to clubs every weekend were happy. However, I was wrong.  As a matter of fact, the temporary pleasure I got from hanging out all night did not compare to the drama I also attracted.  I met some of the worst men and the rudest women alive. Clubs did not suit my personality.

Next, I tried something new.  I hung out with a classier group of women:  the ones who are too prissy to fool with anyone of a lower class system.  Would they be able to show me true happiness?  I had the ‘looks’ and the brain to pull it off, but I did not have that diva attitude. You know the attitude I am talking about:  I am way too much to handle; you do not want to ‘go there’. However, I later learned that this was also just a cover up for their insecurities. They would flaunt their looks and material status around only to hide their misery. They had great jobs, demanded respect from everyone, and appeared wanted by all men. Unfortunately, if they dated, it was just a sexual relationship. Although they may have wanted more from these relationships the men were two steps ahead of them. Men are smarter than they appear. They know when a woman is insecure and play on those insecurities. Then later when the diva realizes that she is being used she reverts back to the “I am too good for him anyway attitude” and move on to the next one.  This is a cycle that will go on and on until she realizes that she is worth more than her Gucci.

Lastly, I focused my attention solely on men. I grew tired of playing the hard to get role. So I began to pursue men that I was attracted too. In my mind, waiting for someone to approach you was overrated. I enjoyed being a tease towards any man that showed me attention.  I flirted with him, stayed up late in the night talking to him, and then made sexual advances towards him hoping he would become my man. Then later found out that the woman he decided to settle down with was the one he had to work hard to get.

After all my failed attempts, I was still lost. Who was I? I was able to hear it, see it, or touch it.  It was not tangible to me at all. I thought I had it all; close to completing my undergrad studies, lived in a fully furnished apartment, drove a decent car, considered myself to be beautiful, had a supportive family who loved me, and had good friends who respected me.  However, I was still lost and empty.  Though I hated my life, I held it together for the public.  I smiled wide and beautiful to stop everyone from asking, “What’s wrong?”  The pretense was slowly eating away at my personality and chipping at my character. Ladies, in the mist of my mess, I lost me.  I had major problems at twenty, and even bigger ones at twenty-one.  If this is what womanhood feels like, please someone help me.

Then one afternoon I found myself curled up on the floor crying my eyes out, feeling so broken. I was tired of running to people who misunderstood me. I needed someone to really care and listen to me. So I cried out to God, the same one that I was pretending to love, and I asked him to help me. I cried out to him with all that I had…and guess what…He answered! I felt his arms come down to comfort me, and I felt his peace surround me. I felt his hand wipe the tears from my eyes…and at that moment I felt accepted. Just remembering that moment, I am now reminded of the verse found in Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Although this passage is referring to Christ return, and what his children can look forward to once he comes back for us…his bride; we can also be comforted in the fact that even when we face disappointments, hurts, and let downs in this life, that God is there.

So on that night I gave my life to Christ, and it was not until my heart was truly regenerated that the emptiness I felt, was filled.

By: Tiheasha Beasley